i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize