Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
