I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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