nut hugger
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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