you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
