I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
