Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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