I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
