he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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