god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
