He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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