if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
