I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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