If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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