I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
