youre lurking in front of me
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
