Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
