I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I looked at my own cervix.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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