I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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