she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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