Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
