sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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