I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
