I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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