The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
