I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
