Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I supernannyed him into submission
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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