I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
