if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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