I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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