i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
