Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
