I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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