So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
it was like having sex with a tree stump
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
