WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
