Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
