Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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