Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
