Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
