Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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