hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
