Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize