shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
