I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
