apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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