yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
