this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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