I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
