Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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