Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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