After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
