Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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