I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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