i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
