i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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