The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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