someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
