her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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