Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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