Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
