I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
