just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
