Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
