im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
