Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize