This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
