I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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