think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
